do the strand - roxy music

fuck! i can't believe i actually smoked last night. christ knows how many - five, six... no wonder i felt sick.

i hopped the train through. tam had said he'd give me a lift back if i met them there. it doesn't matter how many times i do this. i always worry that i'm going to be stranded.

i remember a Domme Friend arranging to meet me at a munch an hour-and-a-half away by bus. this was about five, six years ago. i finished work, hopped on the single-decker of suffering and whizzed through towns i thought only existed in the work of harry lauder!

eventually, city! shops! w.h.smith's, woolworth's, boots the chemist, pizza hut - civilisation, in other words.

i found the munch pretty quickly - no sign of my Domme Friend! i asked around and it turned out She was reknowned for turning up around the ten-mark and staying til one.

but my adrenaline didn't drop until my Friend had not only arrived, but assured me that i had a seat in Her car for the trip home!

same sort of trepidation last night. got there when it was still quiet. looked around. no sign of mr & mrs tam-the-ham. i got a coffee, followed by a seat. too many variables to start drinking this early.

i was on my second cup of coffee when i spotted harold at the bar. i waved, but he appeared not to notice me. i cast around until i spotted his Mistress. She waved over and said something to harold.

they came across and She sat down. She introduced us, which i thought was strange. harold and i shook hands.

"can we get you anything from the bar?" She asked.

"i'll have another coffee, if that's ok?"

She nodded. "you're not an alcoholic, are you?" She asked. i looked at Her, surprised by the question. "it's just that i wouldn't want him drinking in front of you if you're still fighting with it."

i assured them that i wasn't, to the best of my knowledge and She packed him off to the bar.

Rose has quite a forceful way of expressing most things. if anything, She was making me nervous - not in a sexual/predatory sort of way, but Her approach to my entire gender made feelings of respect come up. i saw stella come in, followed by tam and immediately had this gut feeling something was wrong with the night. sharp words and bloodshed wrong.

"isn't that your friends?" She asked and i nodded. i felt myself fill up with an overwhelming sense of despair. an image flashed by my inner eye. me, impaled on a massive pin through my stomach and exiting my back. waving my limbs in agony, screaming. nothing whatsoever coming out. pinned to a card in a dusty museum for generations of giant Women and Girls to glance at.

the light changed as tam and stella blotted it out. i pushed the thought away and greeted them as casually as i could.

harold returned with the drinks and tam nipped off to the bar. i introduced stella to harold and Rose.

"they were at the munch." Rose explained to harold. "last wednesday." harold started to nod. the silence spread out around us. tam seemed to have been gone ages and stella kept flicking glances at his back at the bar.

she took Her cigarettes from Her bag and stood up. i did the same.

"could i..?" she nodded and we practically sprinted for the stairs.

outside, i drew the smoke down into my lungs as she said, "i didn't think you smoked."

fifteen minutes after that, i nipped out and bought twenty silk cut. so much for me giving up.

still, considering the week i've had at work, falling back into an old addiction's hardly a massive surprise, is it?

Rose and harold drifted away when we got back. i saw glimpses of them, from time to time, She thrashing him in the play area, him trotting back from the bar with drinks, or sitting alone. Her skipping down the stairs into the smoking area.

it wasn't a bad night, by any stretch of the imagination. tam, after he got off his nicotine-high horse, was on pretty good form. and i'm starting to quite like the stella one, too. she seemed to know every second person there, which isn't always a good sign, of course.

tam started getting itchy feet around midnight and, to be honest, i wasn't wild about staying any longer either.

in the car back, tam gave out the occasional short tale, but for the most part, we drove in complete silence, broken only by the shite on the radio.

they dropped me off across the road from my flat and waited to make sure i was in before pulling away. i waved from the kitchen window and stella waved back.

i clicked on the pc and saw i had a friend request on ic. from harold. about three hours ago!

curiouser and curiouser.