did you see Her - pink military stand alone

tam the ham texted on his way to the munch yesterday. so much for me getting a lift through and back. apparently, some wee switchy-girl needed a lift - so that was "my" seat arsed.

nice of him to tell me. still, it's good he's back to normal again.

these things that are sent to try us. just as we're supposed to be stopping smoking, too. i went through a full twenty-packet yesterday after i got it that he wasn't coming.

he phoned this morning, around half-ten, obviously feeling guilty. i let it go to the answering machine.

that was me awake though, so i jumped in the shower and headed uptown. when the going gets tough, the tough commit shopping.

i had a look round a few places, i bought a pair of jeans for work from primark and a standells' cd in fopp.

it was in boots' i saw Her. She was about twenty feet away, tilting something away from Herself as if trying to read it and catch the light.

i did a double-take.

that's - She looks a lot like - christ, it is Her! trying not to stare, unable to wrench my eyes away. people pushing past me, i start, realise where i am, cross the aisle, move away from Her, trying to locate Her reflection in the windows as i practically sprint for the door.

outside, i drift hurriedly, without any real conception of where i'm going. i pass a pub i haven't set foot in for years. i remember it's dark inside. an old man's pub where they stop talking every time the door opens. i double back and march straight in.

served, i took a table as far as i could from the bar and felt the darkness closing up around me. for fuck's sake - that was close!

it's always weird, stumbling across an Ex like that - do even vanillae feel like that, too? it's easy to understand why we'd feel this way - suddenly catching sight of Someone i've experienced incredible vulnerability with.

i think when you're in a relationship, it always feels like it'll never end. no matter whether that relationship's good or bad, it just seems eternal, unchanging.

then afterwards, when all the dust's settled, that's when you get a chance to think, "what was all that about?"

i finished my pint, got another, texted tam and waited for him to reply.

nothing.

finished my pint and came back home.