underground - sparks

today, i have to say, wasn't that bad. ok, i do come home a bit dirty after spending the day in the basement, but it's refreshing being away from those bastards and that office.

that said, i will not be staying down there for long.

one really good thing about being down there is, i'm my own boss. i have a list of files and papers various people would like me to find, so each morning, i hunt down maybe a dozen of these and put them to one side.

every hour-and-a-half to two hours, i stick one or two in the internal mail and cross it off my list. the rest of my day is spent tidying and rationalising the mess down there. and trying to get a signal, so i can send long-ish e-mails to anyone i'm chatting with.

this afternoon, i had a brief exchange with tam. and most of the day was devoted to discussing my new diary with Ms Simone.

the plan is, i write down any sexual fantasies that occur to me. i wasn't sure how much detail She wanted, whether the focus was on controlling me through sexual desire. or whether i should use broad strokes in order to try to turn Her on, too.

we'd started discussing it on the phone last night (for three hours, fact fans!) and continued throughout today.

if anything, the fantasies i'm noticing seem to be being coloured by the case histories i'm reading in "now you are Hers". not that i'm treating what i'm reading as wank-fodder, far from it! but a number of the situations described do strike me as both challenging and, once these challenges are transcended, might well carry the seeds of great development.

chapter thirteen was quite a revelation! again, mainly life-stones by males of the author's acquaintance, looking at the changes in moving from one Mistress to another.

with my Ex, everything was protocol-based. pain was used to educate, to illustrate and to alter behaviour-patterns.

i have to say, i loved Her for the time i belonged to Her. i did my best to subsume all my desires into Hers.

She was great in many ways, but romantically, we just weren't compatible. we tried everything - but we just didn't match. not properly.

being in another relationship, obviously i'm going to contrast and compare these two Women. no disrespect to Either - and i'm certainly not going to base expectations on One in terms of the Other, but when Both have occupied such a similar role in my life, of course my mind's going to be looking for patterns.