today's lesson- nick cave and the bad seeds

i was planning to have this up hours ago. i'm back in the basement tomorrow and wanted an early night. then Ms Simone rang. She wanted to talk.

i forgot to make a note of the time She called, so i have no real idea of how long She was on, but it must've been at least three hours.

things are changing pretty fast. so fast sometimes, that i don't notice anything changing, just that it's changed.

i'll give you an example.

Ms Simone told me, during tonight's phonecall, that She's considering having me in Her home. as Her twenty-four/seven!

talk about out-of-the-blue!

i was a bit taken aback, to be honest. She hadn't intimidated any hint of this before tonight.

plus, i'm still thinking about the thrashing She gave me yesterday. about those expressions of joy and determination that fought it out across Her face. Her smile and that chuckle She did each time She beat some new exclamation of pain from between my lips.

and i've been having nicotine withdrawal ever since. perhaps due to the intensity of the play, perhaps due to being around someone who smokes, i don't know.

it wasn't so bad while we were shopping, but when we stopped at the pub, it kicked in. and again. and again. every time She went out for one, i got the cravings. in capitals!

while we were shopping, i had other things to focus on, i suppose.

Ms Simone drove off and i got the bus home. there was a couple arguing most of the way back. he'd mutter something under his breath, then go silent. she'd give it a few seconds, then start complaining about something else. at the top of her voice.

they looked about the twenty mark. both quite attractive with flame-out-fast looks. she'd never get her weight back down after her first kid and he'd give up on his teeth by thirty.

something about them felt indescribably sad. why do so many people just give up and let go so young?

when i started to contrast and compare with what i had with Ms Simone, the juxtaposition was heart-rending.

what do they gain by accepting and swallowing the lie whole? people do the silliest things - as long as there's some sort of payoff involved.

i just can't see what they gain. or hope to gain.