look back in anger - david bowie

what a funny day! an almost-dispute with Her first thing this morning. our first.

all week, i've been bringing up the subject of elaine's party and every time, She's told me She'll get back to me on it.

i don't like being the one who keeps needling Her over the same old thing. it makes me feel pushy and bratty.

She was on the phone for almost an hour, insistent that She wouldn't/couldn't attend. which is fine. i'd never expect Her to feel obliged to accompany me anywhere. i just wished i'd had a bit longer to acclimatise myself to the way things were.

mibby i came across as a bit petulant and/or needy, but by the time She got off, there was an edge to Her voice. that edge people get when they sense a disparity between who they thought you were and who you actually are.

"sod it," i thought. "i'm not letting Her absence spoil tonight. although obviously, if i had a vote, i'd choose to spend the time with Her.

there's a very fine line between the healthy expression of a submissive nature and what glossy magazines call "co-dependency". for those of us who choose to wrap our lives around Someone Else's, that's a clear and present danger.

anyway, in Her absence, elaine's soiree is my primary focus. tam and Stella'll be there (should i be calling them "Stella and tam" now? i better ask...)

i have to say, i'm looking forward to this. with or without Her. it'll be good to see tam and Stella/Stella and tam again, make sure he's doing ok. from his texts, he's started the process of acclimatisation; learning to, if not love himself, at least put up with himself the way everybody else has to.

also, it's a couple of weeks since i saw elaine. and that hello magazine component to my dna is very curious about this huge secret she's keeping so close to her chest.

i had a look on the Female Supremacy group. sank a couple of coffees and marked one or two to reply to. i nosed around fetlife for a bit, looking at some of the groups on offer.

there's a Female Supremacy group, but it seems pretty quiet. i joined one on 24/7 relationships, just to see if i could pick up some pointers.

the phone rang. it was Her. (huge swell of orchestra) having changed Her mind, moved things around and decided to come after all.

which is the perfect cadence to this afternoon. a beautiful counterpoint to Her earlier refusal.

i'm meeting Her in a pub quite near elaine's at eight. it's a yuppie hangout, so it's suit 'n' sportsbag time.