ashes to ashes - david bowie

work was quiet, the sort of deep silence that follows an explosion or natural disaster. i was still reeling from last night's in-pub entertainment. most others were too, i suppose.

heads were being kept down, making me think of the sex offenders' register. there wasn't a whole lot of eye-contact action, either.

it struck me - around mid-morning, this was - that when i'm single, i have next-to-no patience with vanillas. i realise i've felt like this before. once, when i'd recently broken up with Someone, i'd simply stopped going anywhere other than scene events.

i was unemployed at the time, so work hadn't been an issue.

occasionally - usually in shops - i'd be forced to interact with someone who preferred relationships where both parties fought for control. i tried to keep it short.

i also tried to keep the disgust 'n' contempt out of my words, tone-of-voice and body language, with varied degrees of success.

last night was like a nightmare, pumped direct from those days.

i got a text from Her, just after eight. there wasn't much too it. a curt hello, followed by a half-hearted enquiry as to how i was. not a clue as regards how *She* was, though. i put my paper down and replied. then nothing.

this happens occasionally. She casually severs all contact. no explanation, just disappears without even the obligatory puff of smoke.

i decided to head out for a cigarette at that point. did i mention i'd started smoking again? i don't think so. it's been five, five-and-a-half years since the last time i smoked.

after the dust cleared last night, i had an overpowering urge for a fag. unfortunately, this reared its ugly wee head just as someone was crashing the ash outside the pub. so i succumbed.

it's funny how, faced with stress, we all fall back on our old programming. an explosion, an example of man's inhumanity to man and we start communicating. cigarettes are so integral to communication, that they're played as soon as the talking starts.

and me. my response to stress is to reach out for the cancer-nipple.